And I Said Your Name

This is my mother, Jean. She died four years ago after a (second) battle with breast cancer. She was an amazing and strong spirit. At her funeral I spoke about how she had volunteered at the same elementary school from 1979 until the fall before she died. 32 years. Long after her own children left Bountiful Elementary she read to children who struggled to read; and listened while children tried on their own. She led scout troops and science expeditions. She taught us to love to read and to love to learn and above all to be curious.

So when she was dying (and it was something we knew was happening-no words were left unsaid) we talked about it. And it was hard. I lived 800 miles away (and god bless the administrators who looked the other way when I was "sick" every fourth week of school) and there was no way to be as present as I wanted to be.

And how do you deal with that? How can you even breathe when you are losing your mother? And this is what I did....I said your name.

I said, "Dave, Amy, Andria, Matt, Kami, Audra, Ryan, Dad, Neil, Shar, Bob, Russ, Madi, Joy" and then I said, " Sister Welch, Sister Turner, Judy, Margot" and then I said, "Siobhan, Jane, John, Nate, Jaci, Mike, Darren" and "Jen, Rob, Lil, Debbie, Mary, Lynne, Melanie, Lisa, Laura"  and then "Christina, Leanne, Nate, Velvet, Sarah, Trish, Eric...." and the list went on. And on. I said every name that gave me strength.

I mean that literally. I said your name. I said the name of the friends that I went to elementary school with, and Junior High, and High School, and College. I said the name of school teachers and primary teachers. I said the names of friends and students and collegues. Literally. Driving from here to Utah- I said your names. And I have so wanted to tell you. I have so wanted to say how much it meant just to be able to say your name.