And I Said Your Name

This is my mother, Jean. She died four years ago after a (second) battle with breast cancer. She was an amazing and strong spirit. At her funeral I spoke about how she had volunteered at the same elementary school from 1979 until the fall before she died. 32 years. Long after her own children left Bountiful Elementary she read to children who struggled to read; and listened while children tried on their own. She led scout troops and science expeditions. She taught us to love to read and to love to learn and above all to be curious.

So when she was dying (and it was something we knew was happening-no words were left unsaid) we talked about it. And it was hard. I lived 800 miles away (and god bless the administrators who looked the other way when I was "sick" every fourth week of school) and there was no way to be as present as I wanted to be.

And how do you deal with that? How can you even breathe when you are losing your mother? And this is what I did....I said your name.

I said, "Dave, Amy, Andria, Matt, Kami, Audra, Ryan, Dad, Neil, Shar, Bob, Russ, Madi, Joy" and then I said, " Sister Welch, Sister Turner, Judy, Margot" and then I said, "Siobhan, Jane, John, Nate, Jaci, Mike, Darren" and "Jen, Rob, Lil, Debbie, Mary, Lynne, Melanie, Lisa, Laura"  and then "Christina, Leanne, Nate, Velvet, Sarah, Trish, Eric...." and the list went on. And on. I said every name that gave me strength.

I mean that literally. I said your name. I said the name of the friends that I went to elementary school with, and Junior High, and High School, and College. I said the name of school teachers and primary teachers. I said the names of friends and students and collegues. Literally. Driving from here to Utah- I said your names. And I have so wanted to tell you. I have so wanted to say how much it meant just to be able to say your name.

Crystal

 Crystal is a colleague and friend of mine. She's also a talented musician-so we met to get some promotional photos. We wanted the bassoon to be a part of the image, but not to dominate the portrait (which it could easily do considering it is about the size of small human being.)

I love this one with the lip ring and the coy glance. Very Crystal. She told me that she was known in musical circles as "the bassoonist with the lip ring." Gotta' say, I like the idea of a classical musician with an edge.

Secret Insides

Ok. I'll admit it. I am fascinated with other peoples spaces. You know this if I've ever been over to your house. I feel compelled to touch everything. To look at every book you have. To examine every piece of art you've put on your wall. And thus began "Secret Insides"- a quick little study of other peoples spaces. I remember being surprised at how many people still have "sitting rooms" and "parlors" and also how many bathrooms I went in that could easily have qualified as "powder rooms."  

This photo was taken in Ogden when I was photographing my fathers close friends, Ella and Ellen. Ella and her husband were like a second set of parents to my father. Richard worked at Hill Air Force Base with Dad, he died the same month I was born. Ella said she remembered driving by the base at lunch and crying when she saw Dad eating alone after Richard died. Ellen is a devout Jehovah's Witness, and has committed her life to service-especially to her mother, who now requires round-the-clock care. When she moved in there wasn't room for her bedroom set in the bedroom. So she set it up in the living room. 

This was in a narrow little back staircase in a bed and breakfast in Redlands. I was on my way up to photograph a bride getting ready for the ceremony when I noticed the reflection off these frames had essentially erased the portraits.

Oliva

 Olivia is the kind of kid you want to brag about, even if she's not yours. She's incredibly bright-one of those kids that is as eager to discuss the book she's reading as the science project she'd worked on.  (And she seemed quite interested in my explanation of how light was measured in stops, which, of course, I found endearing.)

 She's also an amazing singer and has recently begun songwriting. (Don't you get the sense that she's going to take the world by storm?) Olivia auditioned Saturday for a local production of "Hairspray." The director had asked for b/w headshots (unusual these days) but I think it really works for Olivia and that gorgeous hair.

Ok...one more, just because the whole family is so cute. Olivia and sister Calla with their puppies this last December.....

A Map of the World

A friend of mine had this tattooed recently- after traveling to China, Israel, and Ireland. Her intent being to chronicle her travels by eventually coloring in all the countries she'd travelled to. A map of the world-with all of it's careful (and sometimes arbitrary) delineations of customs and culture. The entire globe and all of it's people encapsulated on a single persons skin.

But the metaphor expands. I've been thinking about this photo shoot (initially intended as an exercise for Dave and I to figure out how to split the strobes) every time I listen to the news.

Japan, Libya, Egypt. My heart breaks-and soars. Every crisis giving way to hope. A baby found amidst the rubble, a grandfather clinging to a scrap of his  home, a people being heard by their own government and the rest of the world. And this is the human condition; we survive, and we make meaning from what we've survived. 

Chop wood, carry water

Chop wood. Carry Water
-Zen proverb


Work. Always work. Pull weeds, wash dishes, change the laundry. Process film, grade papers, print. Feed the animals, make dinner.  Read. read. read. Write, write. write. Work.

And this is true; work should be a mediation and a song.

When I am working on needlecraft, I am meditating on the love I learned from my Grandfather, the steel-worker who taught me to knit and crochet.  When I am weeding or planting, I am meditating on the hours of love my parents spent in our garden growing up. When I am photographing or editing I am grateful ten-thousand times for the gift of seeing.